Letting go

Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life......I put my 19 year old on a plane to begin a new chapter of his life, without us. It's always painful to let your children go but think there's extra pain involved in the lives of missionaries who have to let theirs go across the ocean. My one hope is in the scripture that Jesus promises to, "give you back a hundred fold in this life and in the life to come" to all those who give up fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, "children" for the sake of the Gospel.

My hope is that in letting Colton "go" he will be radically changed and set on fire for our Father and come back to Thailand or wherever God wills, and give his life for the Gospel of Jesus. When I set my sights on this, letting go seems easy.

Father, I give you my first born son. Take him as an offering.....do with him what you will, refine him and make him pure gold in YOUR hand.

I love you, Colton!

I really CAN do it!

The last months have been filled with nursing, diaper changing, bathing, rocking, and more nursing. However, I haven't been very convinced that I really could nurse a baby successfully. I attempted nursing Colton for a brief 6 weeks, and then Chase for a very rocky 6 months(supplimenting with formula). So my history wasn't that great. However, since I've been saved, I've had this strong desire to nurse a baby! The second day at hospital, my breats because engorged, and for any of you who know me personally know that I have very large breasts! Well engorgement made it look as if I had a watermelon on each side of my chest! That's NOT an exaggeration. But I thought to myself, that's okay this won't last, i can do this! Week two rolls by and I have these four areas on my breast that are red and swollen and have fever if you touch them. I had a friend look at them and she said, "Oh, Amber, that's a clogged duct and you should tend to it immediately!" The next four days were spent applying heat, pressing and pumping. Can I say, many many tears were shed during these long four days. On top of this regime, I had to nurse a growing baby! Four days later, the ducts were no longer clogged. Clinton and I slapped high five as the last duct burst open and milk spewed out into the bottle! A moment of joy. Another week passes and I begin to think, "I can really do this!" Then one morning I wake up with chills, fever, and aching bones! I'm like, "What?!? do i have the flu?" Clinton feels around on my breast for lumps and finds a whole cluster of them. He said, "Honey, I'm afraid you have a bunch of swollen ducts." As he touched them they were extremely sore!! I had felt them days earlier but didn't think anything about it because they weren't red and didn't have fever in them. But to my surprise, a clogged duct or infected duct doesn't have to be red or have fever. These ducts were infected and it had caused flu like symptoms! The next 24 hours were horrible. Finally, after 12 hours of major flu like symptoms, and a crying baby who wanted to nurse, I looked at Clinton in tears and said, "Honey, I don't think I was cut out for this. I can't do it." In the back of my mind I was thinking that I would send him out for formula. His reply, "Honey, you can do it. You're doing just fine. Don't give up now you'll be so disappointed" So the rest of the night I stuck it out and began taking a very strong anti-biotic. I woke the next morning feeling better but not 100%. I continued to nurse the baby through the excruciating pain and before long all the flu symptoms were gone! I had many many friends encouraging me through this or I might not have made it. They all gave me wonderful advice and a sense of fight. Many many women have and do experience this same type of thing, but if you never talk about it you'll never know. Just knowing that others have gone through similar situations helped me to press through. To my utter delight and surprise, I weighed Cayden on his one month birthday and he weighed 10lbs!!!! I WAS SOOOOOO EXCITED!!! This was like a sticker on my worksheet that said, "well done! good job!" Seeing him gain weight solely on breast milk was a huge kiss for me. I looked at Clinton and said, "I can do it!" His reply, "Of course you can!" "Press on so that you might win the prize!"

All the brothers

Well, it just wouldn't be right if I didn't make a post with a picture of all the brothers with Cayden. Here's Joseph, who is a VERY good big brother, smiling so proud as this is the first time he's gotten to hold the baby! Can you tell he's one proud big brother?!?This picture is worth a thousand words............ two generations here! 19, 17, and one day old!! God's ways are far beyond our imagination!! If you would have told me 5 years ago that I would be having another baby, I would have laughed at you and told you you were crazy! But when got plants a seed in your heart He makes sure that there's enough water, and sun light that it will bring forth fruit. Our Cayden is the fruit of a seed planted by God. Chase Tanner with Cayden The biggest brother and the littlest brother.....Colton said to us, "This could be my baby!" Our precious Bank with Cayden. Bank is the only brother that can't come into a room and not kiss the baby or come stroke his little head. He really loves him! This blesses my heart so much!!

Baby is born

Our beautiful baby boy was born on March 17th(at 37 weeks). He was born via emergency c-section. I woke up that morning and couldn't feel him moving. His normal routine was to wake up at about 5am and move around until about noon. However, this day he wasn't moving at all. I ate breakfast thinking that would help him get going, then I took a long bath. Still no movement. I told the Lord that if he didn't move by 11am that I would go in and see the doctor. When I arrived at the hospital, they put me on a fetal monitor and his heart rate was dangerously slow. It was only beating at about 98beats per min. The normal heart rate should be about 140 to 160. The nurse was concerned and called to the doctor. She then sent me for an ultrasound. Indeed the baby wasn't moving and the ultrasound confirmed a low heart rate. The doctor strongly recommended that we do a c-section that day. After Clinton and I prayed and talked things over we agreed.

This was an experience to remember! I already suffer from claustrophobia, and when they strapped my arms down, and I couldn't feel anything from my breast down, this made things pretty interesting. To make things worse they put a cloth right in front of my face. The cloth was so close that it was touching my nose. It was like a wall in front of me so that I couldn't see anything going on. Before Clinton entered the room, I was on the verge of panicking and tried to look up at the wall and pray. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do this.. I kept thinking, "OH! why didn't I have them knock me out. I'm going to loose it right here on this table." Thankfully, Clinton walked in the room just in time. For the entire surgery, I looked up at him and made him my center point of focus.

To our delight, at 3:40pm our little baby Cayden was born! When he came out he was having difficulty breathing. The doctor had to suction his lungs for quit some time and she was rubbing on him vigorously. It took him a few mins before he cried. I was so worried yet so helpless. They let me look at him for only a min and then had to begin working on him in order to get him breathing. I kept asking clinton, "Is he okay?" Clinton was trying to hold it together for the both of us but when you're with someone for 23 years you know body language, and I knew Clinton's body language was a sign that all was not well.

However, after 24 hours in NICU the baby was brought up to our room and he was doing much better. I shocked the nurses because after just 6 hours I was in my wheel chair and down on the 3rd floor visiting him. They said that they've never seen anyone recover from a c-section so quickly! But this mamma was determined to see her little chick!!

The moment I saw him all the doubt about having another baby left me!! I had a very difficult pregnancy with many complications, ending in an emergency c-section, however, all of the thoughts of that left me when I saw our little prince!

God is so good and He has fulfilled His promise to us! May we honor him in the raising of this son.

Cayden Truth

Here's is Cayden at 2 hours old. He's in the incubator. One day oldThree days old.

Six hours old. This is the first time that I was able to hold him. After he was born they had to talk him to the NICU. He was having difficulty breathing.